Of Agencies, Group Counseling, and Elephants

After twenty-two months of pregnancy, mommy elephants give birth to a 250 pound baby.

I feel like a mommy elephant.

I don't know how long the wait will be (maybe as much as 22 months!), and I feel like I've been carrying around at least 250 pounds of paperwork. Adoption saves babies while it simultaneously kills trees.

In the interest of keeping all of our loved ones in the loop, I'll try to use this post to give you a little more information about the process. Careful! I just saw your head nod... About to doze off, are you? Well, so be it. Other women blog about their morning sickness. I'm going to blog about my paper cuts.

Here's our process (decry it, modify it, bemoan it, praise it... whatevs. God is big enough to use us inspite of us.)
 


1. We found an agency we liked.

This was actually a massive hurdle to overcome. We made it one of our family goals for 2012 that we would research and begin to pursue adoption. There are a crap load of adoption agencies. Seriously. Tons. We were supposed to have an agency chosen by the end of March (per our 2012 strategic plan).

The end of March rolled around. No agency.

The end of April rolled around. Still no agency.

We had contacted multiple agencies. We had even gone to meet with one (unnamed) Christian organization in Indy. The conversation still makes me chuckle...

We were escorted into a dim office, complete with pictures of children from multiple nationalities and large comfy chairs. The woman who turned to greet us was in her early 60's. In a perfectly modulated voice she welcomed us, and began to go through the process of the adoption with their agency.

All the fluff-Christian catchphrases rolled right out of her mouth. I'm pretty gosh-darn sure that she is probably the person who created said phrases... "We're all God's children." "Love is all that matters." "You must never discipline your adopted child. They may develop abandonment issues."

Watching Scott's skin crawl was positively delightful. I, meanwhile, pretended to eat it all up, and I even asked her to repeat some horrible child-psych book that recommends hugging your child instead of disciplining. But the part where we knew this was not our adoption "home" was when she started talking about their guidelines for adoption.

Their application required a "faith summary" to let them know about our stance on religion. Scott asked a seemingly benign question:

"So, all the people who adopt through you are some branch of Christianity?"
The woman looked surprised, "Oh, no... We are helping a Muslim family adopt from Pakistan right now."
We nodded smilingly.
"After all," she continued, "They pray to Allah for this adoption and we pray to God, so we're all really just praying to the same person, you know. Isn't that lovely?"

I almost choked. Scott's face looked like cast-iron. While I have absolutely no problem with adoption occurring to people with other beliefs, the blatant pandering and fluffy nonsense this woman was spinning made me want to hurl.

So end of April. Still no agency.

Then, one Sunday morning, as I was waiting for Scott to finish cleaning up, I stumbled across the Adoption Support Center (ASC) in Indianapolis. The very first thing that gripped me was their emphasis on caring for the birth mothers of these babies. They very firmly believe that they are a service first to these women, and that we, as adoptive families, are also to serve these brave girls who make such large sacrifices for their babies. More opportunities to share the gospel!

Our introductory seminar to ASC was four hours of information, and while there was fluff, (they played "The Circle of Life" during a baby-slide show) we agreed that their way of approaching adoption seemed healthy.

Agency found: middle of May.


2. Paperwork. Paperwork. Paperwork.

All said and done, we probably completed close to 100 pages of paperwork. Multiple background checks. Medical exams. Biographical information. 150 pictures. Financial data. Pay stubs. Extensive mapping of family trees (this was a separate 90 minute interview... I now know all my uncles' birthdays...).

And we completed it all QUICKLY. The agency has more birth mothers looking than they had families available. They expedited everything we did.


3. Group Counseling.

They called it a homestudy class. It wasn't. It was group counseling with the subtle theme being, "Please don't be a selfish idiot with this poor birth mother."

8 full hours.

Judging by the blonde, perfectly manicured woman to my left's questions about how the baby would look... I don't think it sunk in with everyone...




And now we're done.

Just waiting.

For our baby elephant...

FAQ : About the Allison Adoption

Let's just be honest. The way our family is being constructed is... non-traditional.

And the questions we have gotten have ranged from mundane to down-right hilarious. For example, if I was pregnant, no one would ask me, "So, do you care what your baby looks like?" If my little biological squidgee popped out uglier than a box of rocks, no one would say a peep... They would just call him "preciously tiny," and avoid adjectives like "cute" and "adorable."

However, I recognize that adoption is not the norm, and as such, there are a multitude of questions. Since I can't answer questions about how I'm handling morning sickness, or what the pressure on my bladder is like, I'll take a stab at a few of the more common adoption questions...

How does the process work?
Paperwork. Paperwork. Paperwork. And then.... more paperwork. I'm not joking. This process is insane. Then you go through a "psycho-social genogram interview" (no, I'm not making this up), an 8 hour home-study class, and then personal visits (maybe one, maybe two) to complete your homestudy at your own house. There are physicals, background checks, TB tests... It is crazy.

Then, after collecting the mountains of data, the agency (we're using ASC in Indianapolis--more about them later) creates a bio... six pages of your information beautifully laid out with pictures.

Then you wait.

Birth mothers come to the agency and look for specific things couples have. In return, some couples are restricted as to which birth mothers they want to be shown to. All you do is sit there and wait. For someone to pick you...

How long will it take?
We have been told 3-6 months if we're adopting a little black baby, 6-12 for all other races. However, we have been repeatedly warned not to listen to the averages. Sometimes it takes much longer. Other times it takes much less time. We're planning on going active in July (meaning we will be regularly shown to birth mothers). This means we could be parents in... JULY! (or it could be July 2013!)

How much does it cost?
LOTS.

Let me say this again: A WHOLE HONKIN' BIG PILE OF MONEY.

But I can't think of a better thing to do with it! Please pray for us as we manage our financial resources during this time. We do not have this cash stashed in an account somewhere. We are stepping out in faith that now is the time, and God will help us. He has so far!

What are you asking for in your baby? (gender, nationality, etc.)
We want a baby.

That's it.

That's all.

We are willing to take any race, any ethnicity, either gender. We have agreed to the widest parameters established by the agency (disability, maternal drug use, etc). Bring on the adventure!

I would not be able to catalogue order my baby if it were growing inside me. We don't think our adoption should operate any differently. We absolutely love the fact that our family will be composed of multiple different skin colors and DNA--what a picture of the global church!

Can you not have biological children?
(Yes, people ask this.)

We don't know, and right now, that doesn't really matter. Scott and I both decided (separately, and then delighted in this common ground when we fell in love) that adoption was going to be an integral part of our future family (God willing). We know that it is possible that we may have children. But we also know the chances are not amazingly good.

I personally have always wanted my first child to be adopted... I want that child to know that they weren't a second choice, they were my first choice. I want them to know that I dreamed about their unique appearance and personality the same way I dream about what a two-year old "little Scott" would look like. We are not sad or disappointed about our family options. We are delighted with them! I can hardly wait to see what our future little ones are like!

As this process progresses, there will be more humor, more struggles, and more questions (some of them my own!), but my prayer is that through it all, the model of Christ's love will be clearly seen... We want our family to display the gospel.


May God receive all the glory.

Just as a "Head's Up"

Hello, readership! I would like to draw your attention to the following pages. Along the top of "Just Another Wife," you'll find some pages devoted to some (hopefully) enjoyable, and(sometimes) changing additions.

Just to kick things off, you could read Why Write? which details the purpose of this blog... I firmly believe that writing is both a skill and a gift, and while I'm not sure I have either, I do love it. Writing is one way in which I am seeking to bring glory to God.
Under the Yummies you'll find that week's latest culinary adventure. All culinary attempts can be found by clicking on the "Yummies" category on the left of this page, but the newest escapade is always on my "Yummies" page. I like yummies. And the word "yummies." It makes me feel like I'm feeding a chubby lil' kid. And who doesn't like chubby, kissable cheeks?

Our Story is growing. I'm adding to it bit-by-bit. Love stories are a weakness, and I believe I'm living one of the greatest ever written. Plus, it's a recording for posterity, since I was miserably bad at journal writing during dating/engagement. (I'm notoriously bad at journal writing in general, but I just keep buying them because I'm so in-love with nice bindings and the idea of future generations reading about my daily life.)

As for Passions, this one will be a revolving door, each week highlighting a different concern, passion, or ministry. My favorites may pop up more than once. I believe that American Christians, and perhaps women even more than men, like to cloister ourselves in our comfort and complacency. The bigness of our battle against evil is largely swept under our carefully selected oriental rugs. My goal is that my eyes, as well as yours, will be opened to bigger fights, bigger struggles, and bigger wars than who sang a solo in church this week.

Hope this helps as you explore!

Psalm 16:11

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

 This week, I'm starting a new series on the blog. Born of countless hours battling for joy, studying God's word, and organizing information, I developed a very short summation of joy.

Joy is listed as a fruit of the Spirit, meaning it ranks with self-control and kindness in terms of developed, faithfully practiced actions. Joy is a discipline born of conscious work and effort. However, we frequently view joy as something which ebbs and flows. Something incontrolable that we just hope to fall into. Those are our "good days"-- when we're joyful. And I would argue that it's possible to have "good days" every day.

Welcome to the "Discipline of Joy"!

Yellow Play-Doh!

Meet Skunkguin.

 Skunkguin is a half skunk, half penguin created by my husband. Scott didn’t know he was making a half skunk, half penguin when he made Skunkguin. He just thought he was making a skunk.

But two weeks into our marriage, I discovered Skunkguin.

“What is this?”

“A puppet!”

“I know it’s a puppet…. But what animal is it supposed to be be? A penguin?”

“Honey, it’s clearly a skunk.”

“It has a very penguin-looking beak…”

“But please note its skunk tail. It is most definitely a skunk.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. I made him. ”

“I don’t know, honey. It looks like his mother was a skunk and his father was a penguin. He’s a skunk-penguin. A skunkguin.”

And thus was Skunkguin re-created. (Don’t take car rides with us. Skunkguin and I have a jolly good time, and Scott just laughs and laughs and laughs. I imagine it would be irritating to those outside our little family.)

Vacation Bible School was a few weeks ago, and Skunkguin made his grand, Faith VBS debut. I had the lovely delight of teaching 73 kindergarteners each night’s Bible story. (And there is no touch of sarcasm in that phrase… it was truly a delight.)

On the last night, Skunkguin aided me in talking about the apostles and the early church. Skunkguin was so excited about his yellow play-doh he had just gotten that he kept yelling, “yellow play-doh!” right in the middle of the lesson.

“There once were two men named—"

“Yellow play-doh!”

“Skunkguin, please, its story time. These two men were named Peter and—"

“Yellow play-doh!”

And so we continued. Skunkguin was so excited about this yellow play-doh that he couldn’t stop talking about it… Skunkguin learned that Peter and James were so excited about Christ that they couldn’t stop talking about him either. And the Kindergarteners learned that when you’re excited about something, when you truly love something, you want everyone to know!

I’ve been met by Kindergarteners with yells of, “YELLOW PLAY-DOH!” in the hallways of church ever since.

So… what’s your “yellow play-doh”?

What makes you so incredibly excited that you can’t stop shouting? What makes you jump out of bed in the morning? What do you mark on your calendar and look forward to? What do you wait for, hope for, plan for?  It elicits a crackle of energy.

What “makes your day”? What makes you smile? What makes you feel alive?

Because that will tell you what you’re loving, praising—what you’re giving your life to.

Don’t church-it-up for me.

What is it?

Too often life is characterized by the “yellow play-doh” of experiences, things, people, family, or even the feelings and emotions those different situations elicit. Life so easily consists of the abundance of things. Not possessions, perhaps, but experiences, plans, and people.

Evaluate your love solemnly.

For one man spent a lifetime exploring different varieties of play-doh, and he did write: “so I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun”

But this was followed by, “remember your Creator in the days of your youth… Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: 
Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind.”

Don’t curl your nose up at the use of “duty,” for in this duty is found the most delightful joy….

“You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

A lifetime, an eternity of the most exciting joy you can possibly imagine.

“Yellow play-doh!”

**Ecclesiastes 8:15, Ecclesiastes 12, Psalm 16:11