Sorting Out Emotions: Looking Forward, Looking Back.

I'm sitting here, munching Gerber Baby arrowroot cookies. Technically, these were Grant's special treat... until he broke out all over his body every time I fed him wheat. So now, my baby gnaws on delicious carrots. And I get the cookies. Motherhood is a very cushy job today...

I was upstairs, packing up the remnant of our things. Four days.  That's it. Only four days until I'm a...Philly-ite? Philly-stine? And I eat Philly cheese steaks every day and buy my child Eagles paraphernalia. But as I was packing, the future Eagles' fan fell asleep at my feet and I didn't have the heart to wake him up with more hustle and bustle.

So, I decided to take a moment and breathe. Just rest. And think.

I haven't done much thinking lately. I've just been in "go mode." Survival. All while trying to remain partially sanctified as I single-parented a 7 month-old and battled down nausea from a 14 week-old (in utero). People keep asking me, "Are you excited? Are you nervous?" And I would given noncommittal, safe answers, because in all honesty, I had no idea how I felt. I was too tired, sick, and busy to feel anything.

Scott often teases me that I have "special needs emotions." They require a little extra time and patience before they actually figure out what they're doing. So I'm giving them a little more time. Right now.

Yesterday was my last day at work, and as I pulled out of the parking lot, tears were streaming down my face (yes, very safe when driving). I will miss my job. The children and adults I worked with were amazing blessings. I loved seeing parents hear "I love you" for the first time, I loved helping people re-learn how to eat. And I got payed, every day, to play games and make language fun! Some of my favorites were when parents would tell me, "She has been asking when she got to come for another 'play-date' with Miss Courtney." And there's nothing like walking into a waiting room and being pummeled with knee-high hugs. Monday morning is the best morning of your week if you greet your first patient and they practically come out of their wheelchair in excitement. That was my job! I got paid to do that (plus a lot of paperwork...). Unbelievable.

And tomorrow is my last day at Faith. I've been going to this church for 17 years. This poor congregation put up with my first (and latest) dramatic attempts. I've gone to Sunday school, taught Sunday school, gone to VBS, taught VBS... All of my closest friends and many of my greatest role models attend this church. I will miss the people, the community of believers, and the wonderful teaching. I have been hugely blessed by God's gift of this church. And I'll probably bawl my way through the entire worship service tomorrow.

So, my slow, very special emotions are telling me that I'm sad. I'm nostalgic. I'm wistful. And I'm going to feel very transplanted in my new home town...

But at the same time, they're screaming, "LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THAT! GOD IS WORKING IN PHILADELPHIA, TOO!"

I'm so excited about the church in Philly. Harvest Bible Chapel of Philadelphia has gone above and beyond in welcoming us and taking care of our small family. When we flew out there for Scott to candidate, they put us up in a lovely hotel, footed the bill on an amazing dinner out with all the elders, covered the cost of a mothers' day brunch, and did everything in their power to make the trip as easy as possible. And they haven't stopped... navigating new insurance, home-buying, and relocation is crazy and there have been wonderful people that have helped us every step of the way. I got a phone call yesterday letting me know about meals that are set-up for our first 4-5 days in our new house... Amazing.

Plus, there's our house...

It's a "twin home" which is the East Coast's way of saying "glorified duplex." It's a 2,600 square foot mansion (complete with amazing kitchen!) and the biggest back-yard in all of Philly (almost). I will never cease to be amazed at how God chose to provide this house. And I'm just bursting at the seams with a massive amount of home-improvement/decorating ideas. I learned this past week that we live near thrift store heaven... and I can hardly wait to start finding some hidden treasures.

Which is another reason that I'm excited: I get to stay home all day! I get to stay home every day and be a housewife. I get to cook, clean, and feed a baby during the day, not just when I'm exhausted and squeezing in necessities around work hours. I cannot believe it! I'm well aware of the daily (usually unglamorous) reality, but I'm so excited for this new way to love my husband, mother my baby, and bring glory to God (in the daily minutiae).

It's all going to be fantastically new, terrifying, exciting, and crazy.

And I can't wait to start!

Of Providence, Pregnancy, and "My" Family Plan

I would have blogged one-hundred times in the past month and a half. Easily 100. Maybe even more. My life is fairly exploding with adventure and new learning.

But wee squidgee #2 is sucking up all of my energy. Every single bit.

Yes, for those of you who may not know, I am pregnant with baby NUMBER 2!!! If you're surprised, just imagine how Scott and I felt...

This announcement is not entirely true... we are hoping that "wee squidgee" will actually join us at the end of January. But who knows... he/she is due on the 25th of January-- the cusp February, so they may decide to make Mama miserable for an additional week or two.

And yes, I have been miserable. Not horribly. Not debilitatingly. But mildly, and constantly. I'm constantly on the verge of throwing up. Never in my life has food sounded so atrocious. Groaning, I'll roll over on the couch, and grab Scott's arm, "This baby had better be good!" Just as Grant was not allowed to incur any more expense/paperwork after his adoption, this baby is not allowed to make me miserable past birth...

Ah... if only parenting worked that way!

But in all reality, if I would do it all over again for Grant, I'm sure I'll do it all over again for baby #2. I'm just a wimp.

So, because I know many people want to ask (and a few actually have), I will answer the following question: Did you adopt Grant because you thought you couldn't have any kids?

This question makes me want to cry. Just look at my baby! Look at that darling head of curly tufts, that warm brown skin, and those eyes that you can just stare into forever... I love his infectious smile, his desire to be around people, and his big-fat Buddha tummy (that I worked so hard to grow!). And although we just had an epic battle over peas (He learned how to spit today!), I would not trade this adorable bundle of grace for anything.

So in answer: No. Grant is not my back-up option. He was my first option. My dream come true. Scott and I have always wanted adoption to play a huge role in our family. And I prayed that my first baby would be adopted. When God took our first baby, I learned to be thankful for many small things... and the idea of our "first" child being adopted was one of those things. I wanted that darling little soul to know that I prayed for him, that I wanted him, that he wasn't a back-up option. He was a beautiful piece of our family, which we counted on from day one. 

I'm not insinuating that other people who adopt at the end of having biological children, or who exhaust other options prior to considering adoption, are not also thankful for their adopted children. God makes families differently. And I'm so glad. I love the creativity God displays as He uses His church to raise up the next generation. I'm simply stating that this was my prayer and plan, and God was gracious. He let me keep my plan. 

We are amazed and delighted that God would choose to bless us with another little one. Every time I stop and look at my life, my tears fill, and my heart feels as though it will explode.

And then I lay back down again, and start praying that I won't vomit.