A Whole New World... of shrinking horizons {Part 1}

I miss working.

I love being a stay-at-home wife and mama. It's a dream come true. I love that sanctification and patience are easier to give out. I love that I have the energy for empathy. I love caring for my home. I love flexibility in my schedule. I love not feeling horribly guilty whenever I'm sick and have to call in.

But I miss working.

Not because of the money, the structure, or even my coworkers and patients (although they were all delightful!).

No, I miss working because of what is happening to my world.

It's shrinking.

Five days a week, I encountered human beings. A variety of people. But they all had something "wrong" with them. My job only existed because of sin and the fall. People don't go to the hospital to party. People go to the hospital to battle, to die, to grieve. Hospital trips are not on anyone's to-do list. Years of therapy aren't what any parent signed up for. A debilitating accident or stroke... no one volunteers for that. Addictions. Surgical malfunctions. Cancer. Pulmonary failure.

No one wants that.

And so, on a daily basis, I saw grief, struggles, pain. I saw humanity in the grips of the curse of sin. This is not how life is supposed to be. "Death is a part of life." No it's not. It was never intended to be. Death is horrible. Terrible. Depressing. Imminent. We fight it for all it's worth. It was never in our original design.

And I needed to see this.

Because I so easily forget.

I forget that people are hurting. I forget that our world is broken. I forget that pain lives side-by-side with joy. My world shrinks. My horizon narrows. I become more consumed with what's for dinner, than with what's plaguing humanity. I like my house clean. I like the laundry done. I like play time with my son. (And these all need to be addressed!)

But I forget that there is more.

When I became a stay-at-home mama, I was aware of the creeping shrinking of my world. Most days, I interact with two people: my husband and my son. That's it. On really exciting weeks, we go to the grocery store and maybe a play-date.

And I became afraid.

Afraid that the shrinking of my sphere would transfer to a shrinking of my soul. Afraid that my selfishness would grow in the comfortable smallness that was my new life. Afraid that the things I would become most passionate about would be nit-picking my child's development, Facebook rants, and new ways to make laundry detergent. I am very capable of this smallness. I'm very capable of taking all my energy and pouring it into things that do not matter. I can spend myself, and at the end of the day, have nothing to weigh in eternal scales. Nothing that brings glory to God.

My world is smaller.

Would my soul shrink as well?

It could. And it probably would. My world right now is unbelievably comfortable. There was a very strong probability that my selfishness would take over and things that should never be big would become all-consuming.

So, this year I have several goals... The first of which is personal, inwardly focused. I've set up a structured reading and Bible study plan designed to make me dig into God's word. Because I can be philanthropic and delightful towards others, but if I'm not first loving the God who gave me breath, I'm giving out pointless altruism. I'm practicing a "feel good" religion, as opposed to "true religion" which is designed to give God glory. So, I'm using my "extra" time as a mommy, and the freedom that goes along with this job to focus my studying of the scripture. I finally have time to be a theologian!

The second goal is outwardly focused. I want to actively seek to find ways to interact with those around me. I have a play-date goal (building relationships among the body of believers), so if you would love to come play, please just ask. (Or I'll be the crazy woman stalking you down at church. I have an entire Pinterest board of sensory play that I really, really, really want to explore!)

But I'm also looking for ways to consistently interact with women who are not Christians. So, I'm looking for a mommy-and-me group in my area (if trends continue, I'll probably be the only white woman at this group, and I'm actually a little excited to experience being a minority). And I'm researching crisis pregnancy centers, because I've become increasingly convicted about my lack of anything beyond lip-service that I've been paying to abortion prevention, adoption, and young-mama counseling.

So, that's it.

I'm fighting the narrowness.

I'm fighting with my mind, my soul, and my actions. I'm praying daily that God would give me the energy and discipline to passionately love Him. To take His love and grace and show it to the hurting world.

I want to use this flexibility, this time, this phase in my life to actively, with abandon, whole-heartedly love my God and love others.

Do you want to join me?