(insert multiple head nods from my three readers)
In fact, back in April, I wrote this scary confession owning up to years of gluttony. I was counting years the other day, and realized that I've been in bondage to my taste buds for over 2 decades. (Yes, I am old enough to measure time in decades... also, my dear husband informed me last night that I looked like I was old enough to measure time this way. Thanks, honey.)
Well, there has been no update on the gluttony front for months, largely because I wasn't sure what I was learning. But I knew one thing. I finally realized that a sin which had dictated my behavior for 20+ years couldn't be eradicated by a week or two on SlimFast and a clever Bible word study on self-control.
So, I decided that I was going to slow down and simmer on this problem. Not move. Let it soak in. Really think about it.
Here's my tendency with sin: I vacillate wildly between shoving it under a rug and never recognizing it, or pulling it out, hosing it down with guilt, and then wallowing in shame and remorse. The problem with the denial rug? It fills up eventually. It can't hide everything. The wallowing shtick? I've tried it. It just leads to more wallowing and more shame. In fact, it can become just as much a habitual sin as the original sin which plopped you in the wallow pit.
In Psalm 32, David says, "I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,""
Three times. Acknowledge, did not cover, and confess.
In the CAV Bible translation (Courtney Allison Version) it would be written: "I see the sin, I stopped hiding it, and I'm laying it in gory detail at my Savior's feet."
And I did just that.
Rather than rerun the sin in my mind, become wrapped up in shame, or act horrified about what I had done, I acknowledged: "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23). I'm not sure why my own depravity continues to alarm and surprise me. It's not like God keeps me guessing about my true nature. The psalmist stated, "No one living is righteous before [God]." (Ps. 143:2)
I journaled. I read books. I buried myself in my Bible. And I looked at my sin in all it's slimy, vile darkness.
And that's when peace came, and the shame began to dissipate.
David acknowledges that silence about sin is deadly to both spiritual and physical health. "For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away... your hand was heavy upon me...." (Ps. 32:3,4) Both physical pain and emotional pressure are present when there is unacknowledged or minimized sin. I'm sure David knew he had sinned. Perhaps he just down-played it in his mind. Or denied it. I am capable of doing both simultaneously.
But then comes the verse I quotes earlier. Acknowledging sin. It brings the freedom that God promised in the very first verse of this psalm, "Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity..." (Ps. 32:1,2)
See? This psalm of contrition and confession begins with the hope of this outcome. God didn't make us wait to find out the benefits of repentance (which He would be totally justified in doing). He laid it out for us. My sin. Forgiven. Covered. No iniquity.
I can't cover my sin.
But Christ can.
I sweep it under a rug of denial. Christ dips it in His precious blood. It is covered in his sacrifice. It is forgiven. He will never count it against me again.
When I stopped denying, trying to rush past my sin, or being overwhelmed at its sheer enormity, my struggle became less about me, and more about my Savior. Nothing is too big, too scary, too horrible. And conquering even the most debilitating sin is feasible.
And from that place, God gave me clarity and purpose in my fight.
Repentance.
Sometimes it takes a while.
Don't rush it.
**************
I utilized several tools (aside from prayer and my wonderful Bible) in this endeavor. Journaling was amazing. Writing down all my thoughts helped them to crystallize and made identifying the lies I was believing very tangible. Also, I cannot recommend this book enough. Ed Welch does an amazing job with this book. Be warned: it's a treatise on shame. That means it is long. It gets into the nitty gritty. And it takes commitment.
I snagged it on Amazon during a freebie Kindle sale. It's not free at this moment, but keep your fingers crossed. The Kindle version is very reasonably priced: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00F5KX7AU/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o05_?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I know now that this free sale was an amazing gift. I did not realize the magnitude of my shame until I began unpacking it. Seriously. This book is incredible.
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