When I didn't blog.
When I quietly disappeared.
They were rough.
I feel as though I talk about this all the time... but I have ulcerative colitis. It is a chronic, intensely painful, and embarrassing disease. And God chose to trust me with it. He chose to believe (and subsequently prove through the power of the Holy Spirit) that I would use this decade-long trial to learn more about him and become conformed to the likeness of Christ.
That doesn't mean I'm thrilled to have ulcerative colitis. I'm not a masochist. I don't enjoy being miserable and in pain. Sign me up for mani/pedis, not self-flagellation.
That being said, I have treasured the things that God has taught me over the past decade. Beautiful, painful lessons.
But I made the mistake of doing some internet research. Public service announcement: DON'T GOOGLE. Several years ago a doctor had told me that ulcerative colitis does not (necessarily) last forever. Many people who are diagnosed in their twenties often recover. So, as I approached the 10th anniversary of my first colonoscopy, I did some more research... Apparently, many people stop having symptoms after a decade.
AND I WAS COMING UP ON A DECADE.
Call me crazy, but I had this little, insane hope that I would blow out the candles on my thirtieth birthday cake, and ulcerative colitis would say, "Gee, Courtney, it's been great, but I've gotta go now." and it would walk out of my life forever.
Guess what.
I blew out the candles.
And nothing changed.
In fact, the exact opposite of "nothing" happened. I suffered a massive, huge, 6-week-long flare that resulted in my being bed/couch ridden for the bulk of almost every day. I was no longer treading water. I was drowning.
But as I entered the craziness, I clung to a hope: God had always been more real, more present, more "involved" during my flares. I knew he would be close by. I knew he would wrap me in truth. I knew he would teach me. Even if it was just a tiny truth, it would become more tangible. I would believe it on a "whole new level."
So, I cooked pots of bone broth, made sure a toilet was always nearby, and waited for my amazing truth to come through.
It didn't.
Nothing.
Nada.
Zilch.
Silence.
No comforting wave of emotion. No beautiful crystalizing moment of truth. Nope. Just silence. And misery. And pain.
Then, in the midst of all the silence, the lack of emotional comfort, the absence of my traditional wave of peace, I realized what was happening... I had boiled down the presence and teaching of God to a very specific formula. God does not change. He is not bound to formulas. He is not required to give me a feeling. He is the unchangeable, eternal, forever, constant. He is no less faithful and loving just because I don't feel like he's faithful and loving. He hasn't stopped teaching me just because I don't feel like I'm being taught.
So, dear friend, if you are walking through darkness. If you are treading in deep waters. If you are stumbling through a maze... and you don't feel loved or cared for or protected, YOU ARE. Because HE IS.
If your darkness is because of your sin... He has not changed. "For I the LORD do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed. From the days of your fathers you have turned aside from my statutes and not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you, says the LORD of hosts." (Malachi 3:6-7)
If your darkness is because of a trial...
Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
8
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands. (Psalm 138:7-8)
Or, if you're like most of humanity, and you're a lovely blend of both sin and trials. (**raising my hand**) Remember that the flawless mediator, the one who speaks to God for you, of him it is written: "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)
He will never stop working.
Even if you don't feel it.
No comments:
Post a Comment