Screaming, Bottles, and Irrational Fears

There's a baby in this home.

Just in case you hadn't gleaned that tidbit of information from my infatuated blog posts.

Babies like to eat. A lot. And at 3 a.m. I like to eat at three in the morning, too. Of course, I'm usually craving greasy fries and a cheeseburger, not formula.

Babykins has now been with us 2 months, 1 week, and 1 day. I have given him approximately 196 nighttime bottles. And the ritual is always the same: he starts whimpering, then screaming, I dart out of bed, and pick him up with soothing tones. I mix formula and water, and then pop the bottle in to be warmed. Nothing changes about this routine. Nothing. I always say, "It's okay, sweet little babykins." I always mix the formula. I always prep the bottle. And then.... I always place the bottle in the starving baby's mouth. Nothing changes.

But does wee Babykins stop crying when I pick him up?
No.
Does he stop crying when I speak my rote, soothing comfort?
No.
Does he stop crying when I dump the formula, shake the bottle, or heat it up?
No.
He does not.

From the way that this baby yells, you would think that I make it a consistent habit not to feed him during the night. You would think that I always whip up bottles and then completely forget to give them to him. Or rather, that I prefer to watch him scream and struggle. Maybe, I want that bottle for myself. Ridiculous baby. What silly fears.

But I am no different from my tiny baby.

I spend hours of my life "grown-up screaming." We call this "worry" when we reach adulthood. It makes us sound more mature. In reality, I'm just doing what Grant does. I'm spinning countless scenarios around, and around, and around...

"Maybe God won't give that to me."
"Maybe He's going to make me wait until I pray the right words."
"Maybe He doesn't want me to be happy."
"Maybe what God has planned is for my "good." Ugh... the horrible sanctification "good.""
"Maybe God forgot me."
"Maybe I did something that is keeping God from giving me this."
"Maybe this isn't important enough."

And so, I sit there. I turn my problems over and over and over in my head. I fret, and stew, and worry. I'm quietly screaming at God, "When are you going to give me that bottle? Where is the bottle? Why don't I have the bottle yet?! Did you forget about my bottle? Are you tired of giving me bottles? Doesn't every one else have a bottle!?"

What ridiculous worry.

Right now Scott and I have no plans beyond June. We could be anywhere on July 1st. We could be nowhere. I have absolutely no idea. Not even a little one. When the hubster finishes seminary, we might move across the country, we might stay put. I might keep working. I might stop. We might have to move. We definitely need to sell our house.

This uncertainty can lead to pre-bottle screaming.

What about our house? How far will Grant be from his grandparents? How far will I be from my parents? What will our church be like? Oh dear.... will I be expected to play the piano and lead women's ministries? Is our house going to sell? Will I have to keep working? Could Scott be bi-vocational? Will our family survive ministry? What if there isn't an Aldi nearby... where will I get groceries? Am I going to forget what is in style as soon as I become a full-time mommy/pastor's wife? Can we ever have fun again?

How ridiculous are my fears? Very.

God has already given me all I need for life and godliness. And (one of my staple verses) "No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly." (Psalm 84:11)

God has given me a wonderful family. A masters degree. A job that I love. A hubby I adore. I'm holding my wonderful baby right now. Each one of these things are blessings I did not deserve. Almost all of them are things I was convinced (at one point or another) that God was never going to give me.

My life is literally reeking with blessings. And I find time, in the midst of all that goodness, to throw my head back and howl about my next blessing. Really?

So, I took all that worry, I bundled up all that anxiety...

And I'm reveling in the blessings that I've been given. I'm enjoying my job. I'm cuddling my baby. I'm smooching my hubby... and every day I get down on my knees, and I refuse to get back up until I've praised God for at least five of my current gifts.

Guess what... it works. "And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts... And be thankful." (Colossians 3:15) I don't think it's a coincidence that peace is mentioned in conjunction with thankfulness. The very next verse goes on to give more suggestions for peace: "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God."

Listen to the richness of that verse: dwelling in the word, teaching with wisdom, singing... with thankfulness!

So. I will pour out my heart in praise, I will dwell in the richness of God's promises, and I will rejoice with thankfulness at His many blessings. 

And after that, my dear friends, is when uncertainty becomes a great adventure!