I talked about 2015 in glorious terms, didn't I? And you were all so nice to speak encouragement into our family's pursuit of rest. Thank you. However, writing about rest is quite different from actually resting. With the help of my hubby, we've been exploring as a family, what true rest looks like. Why is it that I can curl up in sweat pants, pop in a chick-flick, and not cook dinner for the 17th day in a row, and still feel as though I'm not rested enough? You can tell me it's hormonal, health-related, or because I have small children.
I've decided it's because I don't know how to rest. God designed it, sure. But rest can be abused just like many other good things that God created (e.g. sex, marriage, food...). So, it stands to reason, if I'm not rested after hours of indolence, then I'm doing something wrong. And I feel that wrongness even on my most productive or most rested days.
My heart does a little strained, anxious dance inside my chest.
Paying bills. Cleaning the floors. Making dinner. Groceries. Dusting. Trying to find a stain remover that will tackle the work of an almost one-year-old and her 2 year old brother.
That's just the work here. In my house.
Then I read books. I hear the news. I see pictures.
Babies starving. Abortion numbers rising. Christians attacked. People dying without the gospel. War. Famine. Terrorism.
And it pulls.
My heart is wrung in my chest.
All of a sudden my easy life, my sunshine-filled days, my quiet evenings at home seem too lazy. I cry out with the Psalmist "Arise, O God, defend your cause!" (Ps. 74) I want, so very desperately, to be a fighter in this war. If I had my druthers, I would have a house filled with orphans and a perpetual line of hungry people at my door. I'm no Charles Spurgeon, but I can cuddle a baby and make a pot of soup.
This year Scott and I have elected not to pursue adding more children to our family. We're trying to be faithful in our giving, but other than groceries/gas/bills, we're not spending any money. The goal is to eventually be debt-free so that we can help more children. It's a wise, short-term rest that I am chaffing against.
"Please put orphans with signed adoption papers on my doorstep!" is now one of my daily prayers. (So far, the postman just keeps bringing water bills and some highly questionable magazines meant for our house's previous owners.)
One day this past week, as the sunshine puddled in my beautiful kitchen, I couldn't handle it any more. I keep their pictures on my fridge... mommies cradling tiny babies, lonely looking orphans...* I may be waiting, but I can't forget. Two little dark brown faces looked at me from my fridge and I dissolve into tears.
"I can't! I can't! I need to help and I can't!" I cry out to my Savior.
From across the kitchen, my tiny two year old puts down his blocks. He comes over, climbs into my lap, and placing his hands on either side of my face, he says,
"You can't! It's okay, Mommy. You can't. It's okay..."
And he was right.
It's okay that I can't.
I can't control my family size, how many orphans there are, or what our ministry looks like. I can't rid the world of hunger, destroy evil, and help every person wrestling with poverty and depression. I can't even get stains out of clothing, so who am I to think that I can control anything else?
God is in complete control. And this is where I rest. That pulling, that anxiety? It means I'm not okay with my finitude. It's a form of pride. It means that I think that I can be a better god than God. And that's where He stops me:
“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?" (Jeremiah 32:27)
"For behold, he who forms the mountains and creates the wind, and declares to man what is his thought, who makes the morning darkness, and treads on the heights of the earth— the Lord, the God of hosts, is his name!" (Amos 4:13)
And I confess with Job, "“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." (Job 42:2)
So this year, I'm resting. Not without purpose (hopefully!), not lazily (my weakness for sweatpants and junk food is really terrible), but with a constant seeking after the rest found in an infinite, omnipotent God.
*One of my favorite ways to love on mommies and their babies during our season of debt-paying-off is through Compassion International. The link above will guide you to a project very near and dear my heart: their infant survival program. They are incredibly flexible with any amount you may want to give, and are very gracious. I cannot recommend this organization enough. They share feet-on-the-ground gospel with tangible help and love.
No comments:
Post a Comment